The Garth Brooooks Juice Diet

-A Juice Tiger?
-Yes, I juice everything now.

I'm on a new diet. 

I'm on a Weekly World News
Garth Brooks Juice Diet.


In case you didn't know, So I Married an Axe Murderer is probably my favourite comedy movie of all time! If I am in an intractable down in the dumps moment, I watch it and it never fails to cheer me up. Mae (Charlie's mother) turns out to be right in the movie (well, sort of), so maybe she's right about the Garth Brooks Juice Diet too.


I recently saw the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead,  sort of by accident while late-night browsing on Netflix instant. It's about this Australian guy who loses 90 pounds or so on a juice diet. So, my mother bought me a juicer (which I am affectionately calling "The Juice Tiger") and I'm about to embark on a fruit and vegetable filled journey. I need to lose 50 pounds, 50 stubborn pounds that have been there for years. It's time for them to go and go quickly. I know you're supposed to do this slowly, but I just can't wait around any more. I need results fast so I can get down to the weight and keep it off. It's fine for people who are already skinny to pontificate about losing weight slow and steady and getting down to your goal weight in a year, blah de blah de blah. Well okay, let me tell you, from the perspective of a real fat person, what happens:


Week 1: You lose 6 pounds. You're really happy. Whooo Hoo. 


Week 2: You lose 2 pounds. You're a little miffed, but that's still some weight gone.


Week 3 and 4: Kinda the same.


Week 5: 1/2 pound. Now you're getting impatient....


Week 6: Same deal. Now you start to cheat.


You end up losing and gaining the same 15 pounds over and over again because the whole process just takes too damn long. I am willing to put in the sacrifice and I just want the weight gone as quickly as possible. I know this will be difficult, but so be it. I am going to eat too, but it will be fruits and vegetables  - things from the plant kingdom. I'm also giving up alcohol and caffeine. This is a big commitment, but Hell, I've done this sort of thing before. I have navigated several Lenten seasons of varying degrees of deprivation, so this I can do too. This ain't my first rodeo, but it's definitely not a small one.

It's Been a While

Now I've written that title, I have that horrible Staind song in my head. How unfortunate for me. I took a hiatus from blogging (yep, I know, it was a long one) and many things have happened since I last wrote. When I was down in the dumps the other day, it occurred to me to think about my life this time last year and compare. So, here goes:

I have a new car! Brand new! It's red and shiny and has air conditioning, doors that lock, a speedometer, fluids that stay where they are supposed to, and it doesn't stall when it rains.

I have a new job or two, or three. That might sound like a step backwards for some, but the jobs are all in my field. I'm adjunct teaching (which, some will tell you is its own circle of Hell, but it's a start towards making a solid career for myself). I work at a four-year university about 40 miles from here, a community college, and a for-profit college, so I'm telling myself that I'm currently gathering useful experience for later. During this past year, I've had the opportunity to teach new classes, including both composition and literature (lit was new for me) and I got to teach Pride & Prejudice. How cool is that? I had some of the guys in my class admit they kind of liked it!

I have a new cat: he's a Siamese mix and his name is Simon Lucas Parker B. He's a little cat with a big voice and a big name and he knows where he's going in life. He's got places to go, things to do, flies to kill, crinkly toys to catch, and be damned anyone who gets in his way. He's also a total cuddle monster. This has made Martin Patrick B. extremely happy and they are ridiculously attached. I will post pics soon.

I'm single (ish). Of course, it's complicated, but I've reached the stage where I am at peace with that... more to follow.

My parents are happier - my dad has a new job, although he's working most of the time in South America, so I spend lots of time with my mother - however, this arrangement works well for both of us.

Every Monday, I host Grilltastic Monday, a gathering focusing on grilling healthy but delicious food washed down with the beverage of choice (usually wine spritzers for me these days).

I'm still swimming, although it's been sparse the past couple of weeks because I've been out of town. My best friend and pseudo-sister Ms. O. got married in San Diego last week, so I was a bridesmaid resplendent in purple. She once mentioned orange as a prospective dress colour. I hoped she was joking an said "well, you should find another bridesmaid." I wasn't kidding. My mother and I flew out there and did the flowers and generally took on the role of micro-wedding planners, and got a little time to look around in San Diego. My life goals right now involve moving there.

That's the update, or Gratitude List, for now.