The Garth Brooooks Juice Diet

-A Juice Tiger?
-Yes, I juice everything now.

I'm on a new diet. 

I'm on a Weekly World News
Garth Brooks Juice Diet.


In case you didn't know, So I Married an Axe Murderer is probably my favourite comedy movie of all time! If I am in an intractable down in the dumps moment, I watch it and it never fails to cheer me up. Mae (Charlie's mother) turns out to be right in the movie (well, sort of), so maybe she's right about the Garth Brooks Juice Diet too.


I recently saw the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead,  sort of by accident while late-night browsing on Netflix instant. It's about this Australian guy who loses 90 pounds or so on a juice diet. So, my mother bought me a juicer (which I am affectionately calling "The Juice Tiger") and I'm about to embark on a fruit and vegetable filled journey. I need to lose 50 pounds, 50 stubborn pounds that have been there for years. It's time for them to go and go quickly. I know you're supposed to do this slowly, but I just can't wait around any more. I need results fast so I can get down to the weight and keep it off. It's fine for people who are already skinny to pontificate about losing weight slow and steady and getting down to your goal weight in a year, blah de blah de blah. Well okay, let me tell you, from the perspective of a real fat person, what happens:


Week 1: You lose 6 pounds. You're really happy. Whooo Hoo. 


Week 2: You lose 2 pounds. You're a little miffed, but that's still some weight gone.


Week 3 and 4: Kinda the same.


Week 5: 1/2 pound. Now you're getting impatient....


Week 6: Same deal. Now you start to cheat.


You end up losing and gaining the same 15 pounds over and over again because the whole process just takes too damn long. I am willing to put in the sacrifice and I just want the weight gone as quickly as possible. I know this will be difficult, but so be it. I am going to eat too, but it will be fruits and vegetables  - things from the plant kingdom. I'm also giving up alcohol and caffeine. This is a big commitment, but Hell, I've done this sort of thing before. I have navigated several Lenten seasons of varying degrees of deprivation, so this I can do too. This ain't my first rodeo, but it's definitely not a small one.