The Garth Brooooks Juice Diet

-A Juice Tiger?
-Yes, I juice everything now.

I'm on a new diet. 

I'm on a Weekly World News
Garth Brooks Juice Diet.


In case you didn't know, So I Married an Axe Murderer is probably my favourite comedy movie of all time! If I am in an intractable down in the dumps moment, I watch it and it never fails to cheer me up. Mae (Charlie's mother) turns out to be right in the movie (well, sort of), so maybe she's right about the Garth Brooks Juice Diet too.


I recently saw the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead,  sort of by accident while late-night browsing on Netflix instant. It's about this Australian guy who loses 90 pounds or so on a juice diet. So, my mother bought me a juicer (which I am affectionately calling "The Juice Tiger") and I'm about to embark on a fruit and vegetable filled journey. I need to lose 50 pounds, 50 stubborn pounds that have been there for years. It's time for them to go and go quickly. I know you're supposed to do this slowly, but I just can't wait around any more. I need results fast so I can get down to the weight and keep it off. It's fine for people who are already skinny to pontificate about losing weight slow and steady and getting down to your goal weight in a year, blah de blah de blah. Well okay, let me tell you, from the perspective of a real fat person, what happens:


Week 1: You lose 6 pounds. You're really happy. Whooo Hoo. 


Week 2: You lose 2 pounds. You're a little miffed, but that's still some weight gone.


Week 3 and 4: Kinda the same.


Week 5: 1/2 pound. Now you're getting impatient....


Week 6: Same deal. Now you start to cheat.


You end up losing and gaining the same 15 pounds over and over again because the whole process just takes too damn long. I am willing to put in the sacrifice and I just want the weight gone as quickly as possible. I know this will be difficult, but so be it. I am going to eat too, but it will be fruits and vegetables  - things from the plant kingdom. I'm also giving up alcohol and caffeine. This is a big commitment, but Hell, I've done this sort of thing before. I have navigated several Lenten seasons of varying degrees of deprivation, so this I can do too. This ain't my first rodeo, but it's definitely not a small one.

It's Been a While

Now I've written that title, I have that horrible Staind song in my head. How unfortunate for me. I took a hiatus from blogging (yep, I know, it was a long one) and many things have happened since I last wrote. When I was down in the dumps the other day, it occurred to me to think about my life this time last year and compare. So, here goes:

I have a new car! Brand new! It's red and shiny and has air conditioning, doors that lock, a speedometer, fluids that stay where they are supposed to, and it doesn't stall when it rains.

I have a new job or two, or three. That might sound like a step backwards for some, but the jobs are all in my field. I'm adjunct teaching (which, some will tell you is its own circle of Hell, but it's a start towards making a solid career for myself). I work at a four-year university about 40 miles from here, a community college, and a for-profit college, so I'm telling myself that I'm currently gathering useful experience for later. During this past year, I've had the opportunity to teach new classes, including both composition and literature (lit was new for me) and I got to teach Pride & Prejudice. How cool is that? I had some of the guys in my class admit they kind of liked it!

I have a new cat: he's a Siamese mix and his name is Simon Lucas Parker B. He's a little cat with a big voice and a big name and he knows where he's going in life. He's got places to go, things to do, flies to kill, crinkly toys to catch, and be damned anyone who gets in his way. He's also a total cuddle monster. This has made Martin Patrick B. extremely happy and they are ridiculously attached. I will post pics soon.

I'm single (ish). Of course, it's complicated, but I've reached the stage where I am at peace with that... more to follow.

My parents are happier - my dad has a new job, although he's working most of the time in South America, so I spend lots of time with my mother - however, this arrangement works well for both of us.

Every Monday, I host Grilltastic Monday, a gathering focusing on grilling healthy but delicious food washed down with the beverage of choice (usually wine spritzers for me these days).

I'm still swimming, although it's been sparse the past couple of weeks because I've been out of town. My best friend and pseudo-sister Ms. O. got married in San Diego last week, so I was a bridesmaid resplendent in purple. She once mentioned orange as a prospective dress colour. I hoped she was joking an said "well, you should find another bridesmaid." I wasn't kidding. My mother and I flew out there and did the flowers and generally took on the role of micro-wedding planners, and got a little time to look around in San Diego. My life goals right now involve moving there.

That's the update, or Gratitude List, for now.

Come To The Dark Side

I did it. I went digital. Three weeks ago, I got a Sony A330 and have since shot two weddings. Pictures to come, with permission of the brides. I'm busy learning Photoshop and Bridge. Be happy for me.

The Amazing Swim

I've been recovering from bronchitis/sinus infection Hell for the past couple of weeks, and rather typically, becoming impatient and frustrated with my body when I don't recover quickly enough. I went swimming on Sunday, did fine, went again on Monday and ached all the way through it and had difficulty breathing, went Tuesday and was miserable - I struggled to breathe, couldn't find any energy and just thoroughly felt defeated. I started to berate myself on the way home because I could only do a lethargic 25 lengths. Of course, I snowballed this self-abuse into me giving up on it entirely and getting tired of things too quickly. I said to a friend to tonight that if I were as mean to anyone else as I am to myself, I probably wouldn't speak to me.

Yesterday, an act of God intervened. I went to the Y and the pool was closed because of thunder and lightening. I didn't want to hang around downtown for it to re-open, so I just headed home and decided to go over to Miss B.'s for dinner and wine spritzers with her and her young though incredibly smart and charming new man-friend.

A night of good food, wine, Scrabble and good old Nashville guitar playing did me the world of good, even though I exceeded my calorie goals (OH NO!) and got a little tipsy and home too late.

Today I braved the pool after my divinely intentioned Day of Rest and knew immediately on dipping myself into the water that I was back! I sailed through the water effortlessly and just rejoiced in the feel of it around my skin and revelled in my ability to glide through it. Today, I managed to swim more than half my lengths front-crawl, and finished 1600 metres in under half an hour. I was actually out of breath when I got out of the pool and felt like I had an incredible workout. I was proud of my body and what it can do.

When I left the Y, I actually felt high on the endorphins. I truly enjoyed my workout. I am glad I have got to the point where it is fun, challenging and a high point in my day, not a chore or just a way to burn calories. I'm actually doing this for my mental as well as physical well-being. Not being able to work out properly until today has left me stressed and frustrated and I am grateful to finally feel like myself again.

More of the Same

Hello dear readers. It seems I haven't written in close to a month, but I just re-read my last blog and I am happy to announce I've continued according to the plan laid out then. I'm still swimming, still eating well, and still going to bed early.

Despite swimming regularly and eating well, I've been plagued with not feeling well for the past month. I had a weird stint of vertigo that lasted about three weeks, followed by a cold that turned into bronchitis and a sinus infection, so it has been difficult to maintain the good habits. I had to take three days off work (for which I did not get paid) and I've had to take a week off from swimming. I'm finally beginning to feel somewhat better, so I plan to swim this afternoon, and I know it will be difficult because I haven't done it for a week. I was getting pretty good there - I even got up to a mile! There's not much else going on really. I'm just eating well, exercising, and am pleased to say I'm losing weight. I'm currently wearing a pair of jeans that haven't fit since last September. I don't feel deprived in the least. I just finished eating a breakfast consisting of coffee with real cream and a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon and capers. I've cut down my portions significantly (I think that comes from not eating for three weeks - I never picked the appetite back up) and I'm trying to eat a lot of fish, fruit, whole grains and vegetables (oh and some chocolate thrown in for good measure).

I've also cut down on drinking. I figure it doesn't do me much good to swill down caloric depressants every night when I'm trying to battle that sort of thing. Also, the swimming makes me feel good and I find I don't really want to drink. This has cut down significantly on the calories I'm ingesting daily, and from what I can see, my efforts are working.

The Mind and Body Connection

I had a little bit of an epiphany today. For the past few months, I've been trying to fix my mind and my heart, and all efforts have, in truth, failed, but I noticed that recently I've begun to do something else, and it wasn't initially a planned thing. I think I was feeling rotten, so I started to take steps to fix it, and that meant fixing what is going on physically first, and if I feel good in body, the theory goes, maybe the mind and eventually the heart will follow.

I stopped smoking. Actually, joining the Y happened first, but the smoking stopped about 2 days later. I knew exercise would do it, but I thought the actual quitting process would happen much more slowly; however, after the first full day swimming and a night out on which I smoked a ridiculous amount of Camel Crushes, enough to make myself sick really, I quit, suddenly, and without any of the usual crutches. I quit smoking the first time in 2002 after smoking for seven years and that time, I needed the patch. I quit again last year (after starting again, obviously) and I needed the patch again, but this time, I was able to go the full cold turkey. I don't know why that makes me prouder, or more in control, but it does. I finally killed the nicotine craving all by myself. Go me!

The swimming: I adore the swimming. I think I have more of an addiction to the way it makes me feel rather than the actual process of doing it, although I love that too. A friend asked if I found swimming laps boring, I suppose because you can't listen to music or watch TV, but I enjoy not having those distractions and I enjoy consciously working on improving my stroke and my time and monitoring how my body reacts to the challenges I set for it. I enjoy reaping the rewards of the effort becoming easier, or at least smoother, and being able to do a little bit more, or do the same a little bit better, each day.

After getting out of the pool, I feel strangely calm. After not having the opportunity to swim yesterday or today, I feel uptight, both physically and mentally. My mood is distracted and anxious and I can't wait to get back in the pool tomorrow. I mentioned earlier that I started exercising to reduce my anxiety level, and it has, but I already feel stronger, and I can already see improvements in my body (or my figure, as my grandma would say). It's amazing what can happen in two weeks.

Like bad habits, it seems good habits also have a domino effect, or come together because the mutual benefits are greater than the singular. I have mentioned previously my rotten eating habits the past few months. My stomach has been constantly upset and intolerant of anything weird, so I ate a lot of stodge: chicken, bread, butter, some salad. That's about it. Well, now I've cut out the butter and the white bread, started eating more fish, taking my lunch to work, and actually planning ahead for meals, like, you know, an adult or something. Today, two ladies in the cafeteria said to each other within purposeful earshot of me, "Can we bash her over the head and steal her lunch?" I haven't cooked inside in about two months. The little Weber porch grill has cooked everything, and that makes for healthier eating too. I find when I cook for myself, I generally lose weight. There are some great things about being single, and one is the act of controlling exactly what you eat and when, and not having to compromise with someone else so often over food choices.

Sleep: Oh dear readers, I do not sleep. I've had trouble with this since college and when there are stressors in my life, the problem manifests itself severely. For the past several months, I've been averaging about four hours' sleep a night, if I'm lucky, but I took steps to take care of this problem also. The doctor said I have all the symptoms of chronic insomnia, and prescribed more exercise and sleepy pills. I don't really have to take the pills all that often - just knowing they are there and I won't have to lie awake all night helps most of the time, and the swimming really wears me out, but even if I'm dead to the world tired, my mind keeps ticking and won't let me sleep. This week's goal has been Project Early Night. I've been in bed before ten every night, comfy and reading. I don't set a limit on how long I can read - just no phone, no computer, and no other distractions.

This is my plan for now. I take one day at a time, and try to make improvements one little step at a time. I'm hoping the physical improvements and the benefit of endorphins will work their magic on me. I also haven't forgotten about the healing benefits of creativity and am about to text Miss. L. to ask if she wants to work on our photo project this weekend. We are still brainstorming and it has been on hiatus because she went on vacation, but the plan is still very much in the works.

Do You Belong in a Stall?

Really, because some people have only slightly better manners than animals who do.

To the person at work who talks on her cell phone in the bathroom stall:

I want to pee in peace!!!! I DO NOT want whoever is on the other end of YOUR conversation hearing me pee. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, or some sort of crazy privacy freak, but I hold the belief that being in a public restroom should entitle one to at least some modicum of privacy. Get off the damn phone. Go somewhere else. I'm sure your husband/boyfriend/child/friend doesn't want to hear you peeing either.

That's it. That's my rant for today.